The Art of Saying ‘No’ Without Feeling Guilty
The Art of Saying ‘No’ Without Feeling Guilty
Here’s a secret I’ve learned over the years: saying “no” doesn’t make you a bad person.
And, it doesn’t make you selfish! Saying no doesn’t mean you’re any less of a woman, a friend, colleague or mother. In fact, learning to say no might just be one of the most empowering things you can do for yourself right now.
As women in our 40s and 50s, we’re often juggling a million things. We’re taking care of our families, supporting friends, trying to maintain our relevance at work, trying to keep the romance alive in our relationships, staying on top of our health... and somewhere in there, we’re supposed to hold it all together and look (effortlessly) fabulous, too. (No pressure, right?)
But.. as we often forget, we’re only human. And as much as we’d like to say yes to every invitation, request and favour, it’s just not sustainable. In fact, constantly saying “yes” when you want to say “no” can drain your energy, make you resentful, and leave you feeling burnt out. So, let’s talk about how to say “no” in a way that feels good and leaves you feeling empowered, not guilty.
1. Recognise That Your Time Is Valuable
One of the hardest things about saying no is realising that your time is just as important as everyone else’s. It’s easy to get caught up in trying to be everything to everyone. But guess what? You can’t do it all—and that’s okay! Every time you say yes to something, you’re saying no to something else. And while in some cases, that exchange is totally OK and worth it, you need to recognise when it’s not!
Those are the cases where saying yes means sacrificing your peace of mind, your downtime or your self-care. Ask yourself - how many times have you compromised and skipped a workout or a walk or your Pilates session, so that you can do something else for someone else, or for work?
If you’re backing too many things up, if you’re taking so much on that it’ll compromise something else, or if you’re just doing too much that the quality (eg. of your presence at an event or output at work) is compromised, then it may be time to say no.
So, when that extra commitment comes up, ask yourself: Is this something I really want to do? Is this something I can realistically handle right now? If the answer is no, then it’s perfectly fine to politely say, “I can’t do that right now.”
2. Don’t Apologise for Setting Boundaries
Here’s a big one: Stop apologising for taking care of yourself. As women, we’ve been conditioned to put others’ needs before our own. But when we don’t set boundaries, we end up running on empty, and that doesn’t help anyone in the long run - especially ourselves!
When you say “no,” don’t add a long-winded explanation or an apology. A simple “I’m not able to do that right now” is enough. You don’t owe anyone an explanation for protecting your own time and energy. Remember, setting boundaries isn’t selfish—it’s self-respect.
By the way, saying “I’m sorry” at the start of a decline is totally fine - in fact, it’s polite. But we’re often tempted to be deeply apologetic which normally manifests as long, detailed explanations, for example “I feel so bad, I really wish I could, and I tried to change things to accommodate but it hasn’t worked out because my great-aunt Martha couldn’t babysit the dog even though she said she could and I can’t leave the dog alone because he also has diarrhoea and that’s why I can’t bake the six cakes for the school fundraiser even though I really care about everyone and I know I do it every year.”
You DON’T have to offer long, detailed reasons like the above. And once you learn to be OK with simplicity in your decline, I promise a weight will lift off your shoulders!
3. Be Honest and Kind
Saying no doesn’t have to be harsh. It can be done with kindness and honesty, while still being firm. You can say something like, “I wish I could help, but I’m just not able to take that on right now.” This way, you’re not leaving the other person feeling dismissed, but you’re also standing firm in your decision.
Being kind means being honest without being rude and without feeling guilt.
If you can’t attend something or do something at work, try utilising three simple explanations:
I wish I could help but I simply don’t have the capacity right now.
Unfortunately I am not available that day / evening / time. Would we be able to try for [insert rescheduled time / date]?
I’m sorry, I won’t be able to make that. But I really hope [you have a lovely event / that we can catch up at another time / that I can make the next one].
4. Understand That You Can’t Be Everything to Everyone
Yes. We’re all trying to do it all. But we are not superheroes (as much as I’d like to think I could fit into a cat woman costume!!!). Especially as we get into the perimenopause or menopause stage, having the time to recharge and let a few things go becomes even more critical for our physical AND mental wellbeing.
So practice saying this to yourself:
I can say no.
I’m not letting anyone down.
in fact, saying no to this means I’m saying yes to things that matter more—like my own well-being.
5. Practice Self-Compassion
This might be the hardest part. After saying no, don’t beat yourself up. Give yourself some grace. It’s okay to feel a little guilty at first—that’s natural. But over time, you’ll realise that setting boundaries actually makes you a better person to be around. When you’ve given yourself the space you need, you can show up for others in a way that feels more authentic, energised, and, yes, even happier.
You’ll have more time and energy to be more present for those you love, for your job and for the events that matter.
The Bottom Line
Saying no isn’t just a skill—it’s a form of self-care. And you’re worthy of that. So, next time you’re feeling stretched thin, practice the power of a polite, firm “no” and remember: You can’t pour from an empty cup. When you take care of yourself first, you’re in a better position to give the best of you to others.
No guilt, no shame—just confidence and peace of mind.
Here’s to aging gracefully-ish,
Wendy